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Mike's Random Thoughts From The Road #22
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inspired by an infuriating 15 minutes in the queue while a dozen idiots fumbled with the perplexing cash machines in granada, nicaragua.

1. atms are the simplest machines in the world to use.

2. i can say "the world" because i've used them in 46 different countries and they all work exactly the same - very, very simply. insert card, type in code, select withdrawl, select account, select amount, you are done. simple. take your cash and move on.

3. there is only one person on the face of this planet who doesn't know how to use one: and he's standing in front of you in line.

4. since atms are so simple to use, the amount of time you spend using one should be less than a minute - anything over that is inexcusable.

and if you are taking more than a minute because you are making multiple transactions or have multiple cards, you should be murdered.

5. i have never made multiple transactions at an atm in my life (what in fuck can you do besides a withdrawl really?) or made a transaction using someone else's card (my friends aren't as stupid as yours), and no one i know has either. absolutely no one does this. in fact, there is only one person in the entire WORLD who will: and he's in your line also, standing in front of the person in front of you.

6. to emphasize the one-minute time limit, i am going to open my own bank with atms that charge by the minute. the first minute is free. after that it's $150 per second.

7. and if you even think about sticking a second card in to transact bidness for someone else the machine is going to blow-up, and the poor suckers in line behind you who had to wait on your dual-purpose ass are going to get to keep all the money that comes flying out of the flaming carcass of the atm machine.

which of course will be subtracted from your account.

8. see how many problems you cause? get your act together.

9. if i had ever been behind you in line for an atm you'd know it because you'd have two burn marks in the back of your head from my staring, hateful, impatient eyes. remember all of this the next time you casually wander up to a machine with yours and your friend's card: take too long and you are going to lose a body part.

10. a lot of people are afraid of being robbed after using an atm machine. they think criminals are hanging around just waiting to mug a person who obviously has a fresh wad of cash on them. i have never heard a personal account of this happening so i say don't worry about it - you and your money are perfectly safe.

11. the only danger you may face while using an atm is me. if you take too long and i am behind you i will harm you. take your cash and get the fuck out of there, you moron. it's safe back out on the street but it's god damn dangerous to linger at the machine.

keep on keepin' on,

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